Change vs. improvement ?

they tell if you dont like your life, then change it, if you dont like yourself, change, there are so many ads about changing, and so many people are lecturing about change, they say if you hated the way the world is going try to change it, "CHANGE YOURSELF BEFORE CHANGING OTHERS", "START WITH YOURSELF", "BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD". how many times have you heard those phrases, arnt you sick of them? i know i am.

they tell you that change is good, but is it really? maybe not? how could they know? i know that people are trying to change themself and the world everywhere now, but come on, did it work?

poverty didn't stop, thieves didn't quit and killers didn't stop killing? do you know why? because we cant change, humans wasn't design to change! every one was born in a certain way and they've lived most of their lives in this way we cant just wake up one morning saying "hell, i'll change today!" and rainbows start flying over our heads!! we CAN'T change, but we CAN improve, why not say "improve yourself before improving others", "be the improvment you want to see in the world". and whats so great about changing? ha? its like their saying your not good enough go and change and we'll see what we can do with you then? WTF? plus changing isn't always good, changing can be bad, someone can change to the worst, not the best. they dont say change to the best, do they? but improvement is always good, i think? you cant improve to the worst, improvement is like going forward, and no one likes going backward,

do they? it seems to me that everyone wants to change the world, yet no one wants to improve it.

.....

attention seekers..

"we need food, we need attention"
-tohru honda, fruit basket.



that previous saying was from a cartoon anime that i've watched a long time ago, and it got stuck in my mind, it was so honest, so real, yes we do need attention like we need water, like we need air, even the simplest of people need attention, we cant survive alone, we need people to look at us, to notice us, even if they dont understand us, or even dont love us, we need to feel that someones care, that were mentioned. lately i found that to some people their need of attention outclassed all their other needs, it became their one and only obsession, yes its an epidemic, just look at facebook and twitter? OH MY GOD! what is that? people are showing everything, everything, there's no privet life any more, twitter? is it now cool having people follow you in everything you do? is it now cool being stalked? or even being the stalker? and here i thought it was bad manner, but what do i know, seriously, even celebrities are having there own twitter, i thought they hated paparazzi and they hated being followed? hypocrisy? maybe..

dont get me wrong its not that i never update my facebook status or never wrote on a friend wall, yet again i never posted picture of my toes, and didn't show photos of every corner in my house, i dont belive that there are lines we shouldn't cross, or we should have limits, but its not the case of limits or lines here, its the case of being ridiculous. many youtubers that i used to admire are now posting thing they call Vlogs, its a video blogs, they video tape their normal life and post it online, just simple things like driving to the post office, simply rubbish! why would anyone wants to see someone else's life instead of living their own? its like watching someone eating an ice-cream, instead of going out and getting yourself one. well i want my own ice-cream, and i wont share!!

i can go on for hours but i'm dizzy now,
maybe i'll write more tomorrow,
and maybe i wont..

men vs. women

who's better men or women?
who's smarter men or women?
who's stronger men or wome?
men or women?
men or women?
men or women?

almost everyday i hear those questions, perhaps you too have heard them, in schools, at work, in family gatherings, in the internet, between men, between womens, between teenagers, even kids.. but does it realy matter who's better? realy? maybe it does to certain people who need to believe that thay are better than the opposite sex, thats why they participate in this debate, and some people are positive that they're better that's why they dont even bother to argue.
and then comes me.. of course me..
i think there is no way we can compare between men and women, we are so different in our own way, in our own strength, and i'm not going to give examples because it'll be stupid of me to do, why cant we Celebrate our uniqueness? we often hear women telling men that they cant do their job, and even theres movies based on that, but come on, did we get to a very low level that we even talk about this? what happend to being individual? and NOT comparing ourselves with others? when people fail to prove their point in this argument and of course they will, they tend to say that we all are gods creature and we are all the same in gods eyes, and in society, and we all have the same rights and Responsibilities ,WHAT THE .. ? i dont want to be the same! with men and with any other woman! why cant we all stand up and say "i am different, and i refuse to be compared with anyone", lets forget men and women now, lets widen the web, dont we all want to be different? and unique? why is it in all the high schools movies the person that is different than the rest is always the loser? and once he or she dresses like the rest and talks like the rest and have the same 'normal' intrests he's welcome to join the rest? why is it wrong to be different?

5/6/2010

11:07 am

...

i've always been careless when it comes to myself. i've never cared about my body, i've always been the crazy girl, that did everything and didnt care about the consequences of my action. well because to me thats my choice, my body, and myself, i could do anything without having to justify myself to anyone. i broke so many bones, i've scared my body so much, and didnt care. because its mine. an expert once told me that i have the body of a 30 year old. and that wasnt a shock to me. i've always played with my life, and took it lightly, i've always talked about death like it didnt scare me, i've been in and out of hospitals alot, i should've just moved in. i've always been the kind of people that never thought about life and how much it means, until i almost took someone's eles's life, im not going to say that it was life changing that awful experience, its just heart breaking, mind blowing, self-destructive, it makes you change in ways you never thought possible, im not going to say how much i've changed and thought more about life, its not a redemption letter. i've never been very good with talking about emotions and feelings, and i hate drama, but honestly i re-live the sight of that awful awful accident everyday in everything, my favorite band have a song in which they say " for once i want to be the car crash, not always just a traffic jam" to me that line was so brave so meaningful, but now i see it as the dumpest thing i've ever heard, maybe if it was just me i'll still consider it so brave, but when someone else is involved its so terrifying, one minute your up on your feet, the next your lying next to a child, wow! thats the miracle of life, nothing expected, time passes by and you start to ask "why me?, why him?"it could've been anyone, was i supposed to learn from this? was i supposed to change from this? , but what about him? did he have to pay for my choice? well you'll never know the purpose of any accident, and you'll never be the same.

31/5/2010

02:35

If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It..

Soul searching?..

For 2 years now I’ve been obsessed with the idea of “soul searching”, I daydream every day of taking my parent visa and getting on the first plane to anywhere, just to leave everything behind and go discover myself, it’s weird that’s it’s coming from a 17 year old kid! Wanting to leave everything behind? What am I actually leaving? A husband? Kids? What?, l think living in one place for too long is really toxic, even if your only 17.

Back to the point I want to make,
they call it “soul searching”, but I don’t think it’s really searching, I think it’s more like discovering, because searching is for something you had and you’ve lost, it’s something that you know, but what if you don’t really know what is it your searching for? What are you looking for? Your soul? What is that?, they don’t teach you at school how to discover yourself, or how to find what you want. Some people wonder around life doing something’s they don’t really like or want, it’s really not their fault, how can anyone be sure of what they’re doing if they never took the time to find themselves, and life has the same schedule for everyone: school, college , work, marriage, kid’s , grandkids, death.
that’s it, all you’ve got to do is cross the things you’ve done and move on to the other, nothing more is expected from you, that’s your life, NO you don’t really have to know yourself, and NO you’re not supposed to figure your place in the world, and everyone keeps telling me that life isn’t important, the afterlife is what matter’s, THEN WHY ON EARTH WERE WE EVER BORN? why can’t we skip those years of our life and just fast forward to judgment day, if life wasn’t important? And frankly speaking if life was this dull, then how can I make sure that the afterlife isn’t?

written: tuesday - jan/19/2010 - 12:09pm.

Ours?

When we first came to life we were never asked what do we want to be.. I don’t mean what we want to be in the future.. I mean what do we want to be like.. for example the color of our skin, our gander, we were never asked, we were simply thrown into a family we didn’t choose , into a country we didn’t choose with a body we didn’t choose, yet were expected to be grateful for all the stuff we didn’t choose, Then comes hardship and pain and all the ugliness in life, and still we must be grateful.. on top of all that, were told that this body this soul, doesn’t belong to us, it's not ours to begin with.. we’re not allowed to harm this body nor kill this soul, if we cant make the simple choice of life or death, then why are we living in the first place? How can someone live a life that he completely didn’t choose, what if he didn’t want to live it? How come were supposed to be grateful for this life? Some people might say “just be grateful for having sight, others cant see”, well if I was the one responsible for taking away their sight or whatever their missing then I ‘ll be grateful, its not really your problem that people doesn’t have what you have, and its not you're problem if you're missing something that other have, it’s no one’s fault, because we simply didn’t choose.. we never choose.. to me its really frustrating that I cant deicide between living or dying.. its somehow weird, that I’m living and yet I cant call it my life..

written

sat. 10th/jan/2009

6:23am

Door, Or Window?

They say when god closes a door he opens a window… I wonder, is that saying supposed to make us feel better? Isn’t a door better than a window? When you try to leave a place using a window, u might get hurt, u might break something, it’s a lot easier to use the door, maybe you’ll say that there is a reason why the door was closed, maybe the window is better? But its not, is it? Its smaller, it might be on the second floor, or maybe third, it would just be harder than walking out the door… so what’s so wise about the window? And why was the door closed? Maybe their was something dangerous behind the door, but aren’t we supposed to learn from our mistakes and failure in life? At least we deserve an explanation, or are we supposed to walk throw life saying that its all god wishes, and not think about it? We were created so smart and yet we cant use this mind of ours! When you say “why did this happen to me? ” people would tell you that its meant to be! And never think twice about it, but why? Why was it meant to be? I can’t not think about it, its hard, I need to know why was the door closed and where the hell is my window?

written

sat, 28/3/2009

10:56pm