If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It..

Soul searching?..

For 2 years now I’ve been obsessed with the idea of “soul searching”, I daydream every day of taking my parent visa and getting on the first plane to anywhere, just to leave everything behind and go discover myself, it’s weird that’s it’s coming from a 17 year old kid! Wanting to leave everything behind? What am I actually leaving? A husband? Kids? What?, l think living in one place for too long is really toxic, even if your only 17.

Back to the point I want to make,
they call it “soul searching”, but I don’t think it’s really searching, I think it’s more like discovering, because searching is for something you had and you’ve lost, it’s something that you know, but what if you don’t really know what is it your searching for? What are you looking for? Your soul? What is that?, they don’t teach you at school how to discover yourself, or how to find what you want. Some people wonder around life doing something’s they don’t really like or want, it’s really not their fault, how can anyone be sure of what they’re doing if they never took the time to find themselves, and life has the same schedule for everyone: school, college , work, marriage, kid’s , grandkids, death.
that’s it, all you’ve got to do is cross the things you’ve done and move on to the other, nothing more is expected from you, that’s your life, NO you don’t really have to know yourself, and NO you’re not supposed to figure your place in the world, and everyone keeps telling me that life isn’t important, the afterlife is what matter’s, THEN WHY ON EARTH WERE WE EVER BORN? why can’t we skip those years of our life and just fast forward to judgment day, if life wasn’t important? And frankly speaking if life was this dull, then how can I make sure that the afterlife isn’t?

written: tuesday - jan/19/2010 - 12:09pm.

Ours?

When we first came to life we were never asked what do we want to be.. I don’t mean what we want to be in the future.. I mean what do we want to be like.. for example the color of our skin, our gander, we were never asked, we were simply thrown into a family we didn’t choose , into a country we didn’t choose with a body we didn’t choose, yet were expected to be grateful for all the stuff we didn’t choose, Then comes hardship and pain and all the ugliness in life, and still we must be grateful.. on top of all that, were told that this body this soul, doesn’t belong to us, it's not ours to begin with.. we’re not allowed to harm this body nor kill this soul, if we cant make the simple choice of life or death, then why are we living in the first place? How can someone live a life that he completely didn’t choose, what if he didn’t want to live it? How come were supposed to be grateful for this life? Some people might say “just be grateful for having sight, others cant see”, well if I was the one responsible for taking away their sight or whatever their missing then I ‘ll be grateful, its not really your problem that people doesn’t have what you have, and its not you're problem if you're missing something that other have, it’s no one’s fault, because we simply didn’t choose.. we never choose.. to me its really frustrating that I cant deicide between living or dying.. its somehow weird, that I’m living and yet I cant call it my life..

written

sat. 10th/jan/2009

6:23am

Door, Or Window?

They say when god closes a door he opens a window… I wonder, is that saying supposed to make us feel better? Isn’t a door better than a window? When you try to leave a place using a window, u might get hurt, u might break something, it’s a lot easier to use the door, maybe you’ll say that there is a reason why the door was closed, maybe the window is better? But its not, is it? Its smaller, it might be on the second floor, or maybe third, it would just be harder than walking out the door… so what’s so wise about the window? And why was the door closed? Maybe their was something dangerous behind the door, but aren’t we supposed to learn from our mistakes and failure in life? At least we deserve an explanation, or are we supposed to walk throw life saying that its all god wishes, and not think about it? We were created so smart and yet we cant use this mind of ours! When you say “why did this happen to me? ” people would tell you that its meant to be! And never think twice about it, but why? Why was it meant to be? I can’t not think about it, its hard, I need to know why was the door closed and where the hell is my window?

written

sat, 28/3/2009

10:56pm

Empty on the inside..

Empty on the inside..
That's what a person feels when their hungry, but what if the soul was hungry not the body? Then what kind of emptiness would that person feel inside?.. Thinking about it makes me wonder about all kinds of feelings and emotions I haven’t experienced yet, and I think what could possibly be more? I think I felt it all, I felt too many emotions for the next 50 years, maybe its normal, maybe its ok to feel this kind of stuff, I don’t know really, what could the world be hiding more than its already shown? I know that there is so many things I haven’t seen, or haven’t done, and people I haven’t met yet, but, if right now I feel that I’ve seen enough, and been through enough, how could I handle the rest? How could anyone? I don’t think I have the energy to go throw anything, any more, I feel I’m powerless and tired of it all, but then I think maybe one day I’ll wake up and laugh at this, maybe one day I’ll know that its all worth it, that life is worth it.. but this still leaves the question, what if I don’t, what if I don’t laugh at this one day? What if its not worth it?.. if that day comes I wouldn’t know what to do, maybe I’ll just cry… yes I’ll just cry.. that all I could and would do…

written 29/12/2008

monday, 2:58pm

Never Thought..

I never thought I’ll face this pain..

I never guessed I would learn to share..
I never knew the me I know..
I never felt this way before..

I opened my eyes to see you smile..
I opened my ears to hear your words..
I opened my arms to hold you tight..
I opened my heart to let you in..

You’ve touched the weakness in my heart..
I’ve touched the warmth in your eyes...
You’ve teached me a lot sense we've met
And it's hard for me to say Goodbye..

I want you more than my soul..
I want you close to my heart..
I want you for as long as I live..
I want you till the day I die...

written 2006

War With Myself

At the end of the day

when i go to bed..

i start to reply the day

all over my head..

remembering all the stupid things i've said
remembering all the awful thins i've done..

i start to blame myself

and i start to hate myself..

it's like a war that will never end..

a war with me.. a war with myself..

i wish i could stop this..
i wish i could end it..

why do i push myself away?
why cant i just be ok?

i want to be free..
free of myself...

written 2006