...

i've always been careless when it comes to myself. i've never cared about my body, i've always been the crazy girl, that did everything and didnt care about the consequences of my action. well because to me thats my choice, my body, and myself, i could do anything without having to justify myself to anyone. i broke so many bones, i've scared my body so much, and didnt care. because its mine. an expert once told me that i have the body of a 30 year old. and that wasnt a shock to me. i've always played with my life, and took it lightly, i've always talked about death like it didnt scare me, i've been in and out of hospitals alot, i should've just moved in. i've always been the kind of people that never thought about life and how much it means, until i almost took someone's eles's life, im not going to say that it was life changing that awful experience, its just heart breaking, mind blowing, self-destructive, it makes you change in ways you never thought possible, im not going to say how much i've changed and thought more about life, its not a redemption letter. i've never been very good with talking about emotions and feelings, and i hate drama, but honestly i re-live the sight of that awful awful accident everyday in everything, my favorite band have a song in which they say " for once i want to be the car crash, not always just a traffic jam" to me that line was so brave so meaningful, but now i see it as the dumpest thing i've ever heard, maybe if it was just me i'll still consider it so brave, but when someone else is involved its so terrifying, one minute your up on your feet, the next your lying next to a child, wow! thats the miracle of life, nothing expected, time passes by and you start to ask "why me?, why him?"it could've been anyone, was i supposed to learn from this? was i supposed to change from this? , but what about him? did he have to pay for my choice? well you'll never know the purpose of any accident, and you'll never be the same.

31/5/2010

02:35